If I haven’t stated this clearly (and I think I haven’t), I’ll do it now.
I love you. And yes, to use everybody’s term, love-love you. Almost said it straight to your face when you posed that question, but you had such light in your eyes that translates as ‘disbelieved’ and ‘amused’ that I felt stupid and felt that I would’ve looked even more moronic if I had said it. Of course, it might have been one of Lucy’s many precious children that worked as a translator but it doesn’t matter now.
And what I want, if you haven’t managed to guessed it, is to “spend the rest of my life with you, without anyone to share you with.”
Nope, not my words.
And yeah, what I want is greedy and selfish, but I’ve come to terms with how I really am a long time ago. I love me, for better or for worse.
But here’s the ice cream below the cherry:
When you’ve been spending time with someone, and you love it, you genuinely love your moments with them. But then they tell you that they love you and you can’t say it back because you don’t feel the same way. You don’t love them that way, but you don’t… but they’re not just some random people. They’re someone, special. But not that special as to make you fall in love with them.
But you don’t want to lose them, those times, those moments, you wouldn’t have missed them for the world. You don’t want to lose them, so instead of saying ‘i love you’ back, you focus on all the great things about them because those are the most special things about them.
But that’s as far as it can go.
And that’s not bad. Not bad at all, really. Superb, in fact.
It’s just that I’ve been wanting more and you haven’t.
You got what you wanted, and you do, and you always will because I’m not going to take it away from you and I’m not going to throw away such precious thing.
But I’m finally ready to let go of the thing I really want.
I am not going to wait forever for something I can never have.
From now on I’ll want the same thing that you want, I’ll move at the same pace with you, I’ll have the same kind of feelings with what you have for me, and things will be fine for me, for the both of us. Things will be great, I know. Things will be fantastic, even. And no, that’s not a sarcasm, I sincerely mean it.
Tell me I’m wrong and I’ll withdraw my letting-go statement.
Tell me nothing and I’ll consider that I’m right, and things will still be superfantastisch for us.
And for what it’s worth, I apologize for all the discomfort I have caused, the paranoia, the pettiness, the neediness. Believe me, my demons will cease to feed on your existence. I’m guessing they will starve for quite some time now, and that’s good. That’s very very good. Or perhaps they will find other source to feed on but that’s okay, as long as I no longer jeopardize what good thing I have with you.
Oh, and as the sprinkles on the ice, I used to hate the word ‘adore’ you said so many times. But I have to admit, that is the perfect word to describe the feeling.
